Introduction
Before we venture into this topic, I would like to mention that the tools mentioned here are meant to help anyone in an emotionally tough situation. They do not pertain to breakups, however I feel we can use breakups as our example to demonstrate how to become emotionally stronger.
To start I would like to share an emotional experience I went through during a phase of my life. With this story, I hope to highlight some of the feelings I'm targeting so you can pick an experience in your life where you felt similarly and try applying the tools to see if it helps.
Let's go through each of the following tools and understand how we can turn ourselves around emotionally and mentally.
Between stimulus and response...
After cutting Melissa out, I found that the majority of my free time was spent thinking about what happened. What I didn't realize at the time was that I could decide within myself how all of this was going to affect me. Between stimulus and response lies our greatest power, the freedom to choose.
Once we accept the fact that we are able to choose our responses to events, we can figure out what governs our decision making. 4 uniquely human endowments that govern our decision making are:
These 4 uniquely human qualities are the gap between stimulus and response. We can use them to help us respond in ways that are in harmony with the 4 qualities we possess.
Once we accept the fact that we are able to choose our responses to events, we can figure out what governs our decision making. 4 uniquely human endowments that govern our decision making are:
- Self-awareness: The ability to recognize the fundamental principle about the nature of humans as described above in bold. This can be as small as choosing what to do given our ex breaks up with us. Or as big as what to do with our lives given the one opportunity to live.
- Imagination: The ability to create in our minds beyond our present reality.
- Conscience: A deep inner awareness of right and wrong, and a sense of the degree to which our thoughts and actions are in harmony with them.
- Independent-will: The ability to act based on our self-awareness, free of all other influences.
Animals and computers are programmed by instinct and/or training. They can be trained to be responsible, but they can't take responsibility for that training; in other words, they can't direct it. They can't change the programming. They're not even aware of it. We can be responsible; in other words, able to choose our response.
These 4 uniquely human qualities are the gap between stimulus and response. We can use them to help us respond in ways that are in harmony with the 4 qualities we possess.
The two circles
An excellent way to become more self-aware is to examine where we focus our time and energy.
We each have a wide range of concerns - our health, problems at school, the national debt, nuclear war. We can separate things in which we have no particular mental or emotional involvement by creating a "Circle of Concern". As we look at things within our Circle of Concern, it becomes apparent that there are some things over which we have no real control (nuclear war, how our ex is feeling) and others that we can do something about(school, focus on improving ourselves). We could identify those concerns in the latter group by circumscribing them within a smaller "Circle of Influence".
A responsible, proactive person focuses their energies in their circle of influence. They work on things they can do something about. The nature of this positive energy expands the circle of influence causing it to grow, the inside-out approach described in the second last section.
Irresponsible, reactive people focus their energies in the circle of concern. They empower the things within it to control them, effectively further limiting their influence and causing that circle to shrink, the outside-in approach.
Now that we're aware of where we should be spending our time and energy, let's look more carefully at how much control we have over situations in our circle of influence.
A responsible, proactive person focuses their energies in their circle of influence. They work on things they can do something about. The nature of this positive energy expands the circle of influence causing it to grow, the inside-out approach described in the second last section.
Irresponsible, reactive people focus their energies in the circle of concern. They empower the things within it to control them, effectively further limiting their influence and causing that circle to shrink, the outside-in approach.
Now that we're aware of where we should be spending our time and energy, let's look more carefully at how much control we have over situations in our circle of influence.
How much control do you have
The problems we face fall in one of three areas.
- Direct control - problems involving our own behaviour.
These problems are solved by working on our own habits. To work on our own behaviours and outlook on life. Examine this carefully! It is very common for people to assume a direct problem is an indirect problem to relieve them of responsibility.
For example, just because your girlfriend gets angry because you did X. This doesn't necessarily mean the problem is she gets angry, the problem very well could be you did X. - Indirect control - problems involving other people's behaviour.
These problems are solved by working on our human influence strategies. Strategies such as confrontation, persuasion and many others; all of which have their roots in the principles of kindness, fairness, mutual-respect and human dignity. - No control - problems we can do nothing about such as the past or situational realities.
These problems involve taking the responsibility to change the line on the bottom of our face - to smile, to genuinely and peacefully accept these problems and learn to live with them, even though we don't like them. We have no control over them, it simply is not an effective use of our time and energy to think about, outside of learning experiences.
We have now covered 3 powerful tools you can examine to help yourself. Now let's look the key to a successful relationship and in doing so, hopefully you can identify where your relationship fell short.
Ethos, pathos, logos
The Greeks had a philosophy which is embodied in 3 sequentially arranged words. Ethos, pathos, logos. I suggest that this is the fundamental root of any successful relationship. The closer a relationship is in harmony with this philosophy, the better it will prosper.
- Ethos is your credibility, your character, or in the context of a relationship - the extent of similarities in views of the world and the bigger questions in life
- Pathos is your emphatic side, or the extent of similarities in views of love, care and fairness
- Logos is your logical side, or the extent of similarities in interests
Notice the sequence: ethos, pathos, logos. Your character and compatibility on the deeper, more fundamental questions is the most important aspect, compatibility in the soul. Following this comes your compatibility in the heart, and lastly your compatibility in the brain.
We are strong
Inside each and every one of us lies great strength of character. Inside all of us lies timeless truths and principles that; if we chose to disciple to, we can unleash our greatest human potential.
Our current social paradigm is an "outside-in" approach to life. We are defined by what's on the outside. We're told to go into a certain discipline, to make a certain amount of money, to support a family, and to ultimately be happy. If someone insults us, we tend to get defensive or angry. If we experience a breakup, we tend to be filled with sorrow and insecurities.
However what the "outside-in" approach of today that the majority of people fall under fails to acknowledge is the fact that primary happiness is defined from the inside-out. We must look within ourselves to determine what makes us happy, and live in accordance with rules and goals we set for ourselves, not what others tell us.
Here is a summary of everything mentioned:
Our current social paradigm is an "outside-in" approach to life. We are defined by what's on the outside. We're told to go into a certain discipline, to make a certain amount of money, to support a family, and to ultimately be happy. If someone insults us, we tend to get defensive or angry. If we experience a breakup, we tend to be filled with sorrow and insecurities.
However what the "outside-in" approach of today that the majority of people fall under fails to acknowledge is the fact that primary happiness is defined from the inside-out. We must look within ourselves to determine what makes us happy, and live in accordance with rules and goals we set for ourselves, not what others tell us.
Here is a summary of everything mentioned:
- We can recognize the 4 endowments unique to humans is the gap between stimulus and response
- We can focus on our circle of influence
- We can analyze how much control we have and act accordingly
- We can reflect on the fundamental truth of relationships to learn and apply
- We can focus on the "inside-out" approach
Lonely Conclusion
The feeling of loneliness sucks. Only the basic needs for survival exceed the need for us to feel understood. But we must understand the solution is not to jump into another relationship; rather to have great intrinsic security and focus on finding ourselves more.
Love will come. The key is to know what to look for; and you can only do that if you know who you are and understand the key to successful relationships.
Love will come. The key is to know what to look for; and you can only do that if you know who you are and understand the key to successful relationships.
It's also worth the wait! We always hurry and fall into the wrong relationship because we are lonely- but this is a self destructive procedure as until we are truly happy with ourselves, we won't be looking for a relationship from the standpoint of meeting a compatible mate, rather just something to fill that empty void.
Be a function of your values, not of your feelings or desires; however strong the cravings may be.
A lot of what was mentioned here is taken from the book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People". A great read for anyone looking for self-improvement.
Be a function of your values, not of your feelings or desires; however strong the cravings may be.
A lot of what was mentioned here is taken from the book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People". A great read for anyone looking for self-improvement.
