Introduction
Before we venture into this highly debatable topic, I would like to mention a few girls involved in my life.I've only ever liked 4 girls. Let's call them Sharon, Rain, Celia, Melissa in that order.
Sharon was the girl I fell for in high school. I had feelings for her throughout all 4 years of high school, I did my 40 community hours the same place she did in hopes to get closer with her and throughout all 4 years, every time I mentioned I had feelings for her, she responded with "sorry you're a friend to me".
I met Rain in university, I did not get friendzoned by Rain- but trust me, I was significantly different in my interactions with Rain than the other 3 girls.
Celia was my 2nd year crush, we talked for hours several nights, knew lots of deep dark secrets about each other - only to result in finding out one secret was about a guy she liked.
Following Celia, I met Melissa in 3rd year. Situations with Melissa were quite complicated and some of the things I am about to mention are justified, but still happened.
There were periods of time where Melissa and I slept on the same bed, had breakfast/lunch/dinner together followed by hanging out with each other, often 1on1.
Nothing sexual ever happened with Melissa.
What am I trying to say with all this?
As someone who has spent over 10 years of his life in the friendzone.
I AM THE MOTHER FUCKING KING OF THE fRIENDZONE.
What is the friendzone?
First let's talk about how dumb the idea of a friendzone actually sounds.It's something this generation has invented as a form of lubricating social interactions. It's easier to say 'sorry, I see you as a friend' (though sometimes this may be true), than to have the courage to say 'you have a quality I dislike in a mate'.
For example, if you were the last guy in the world and there was a girl who insisted you were friendzoned, I'm confident you'd break out of the friendzone instantly. Not only that, but no girl dare to friendzone you as you are the last guy alive, regardless of everything about you besides the fact that you have a penis.
Why? Because now they don't have any other options, it's just you.
But in the real world, they do, and it's often times their way of saying they are not interested.
The title of this post claims the friendzone doesn't exist. Well you can apply a title to pretty much anything, so for the sake of argument- let's call what I'm about to describe "the Friendzone".
I will differentiate what I claim to be part of the Friendzone and what society calls the friendzone with a 'F' and 'f' respectively.
I claim that you get Friendzoned by one or more of the following reasons, regardless of what she may say.
- You have a quality she doesn't like but doesn't have the courage to mention it.
- She enjoys the attention you give her.
- She genuinely sees you as a friend.
What gets you in the Friendzone?
- Often times when a girl has a low degree of courage and/or senses you have a low degree of self-esteem, the girl will drop the friendzone line on you, but what she really means is that she is not interested while maintaining the friendship.
- Situations like this are the worst for the guy. Often times, the girl is indeed aware that the guy has feelings for her- but she is so invested in her ego and public appearance - it is prioritized over her desire to be loved. Now as a guy, you are supplying attention and feeding her ego and public appearance, but that's it. You are not making any progress with romantic gestures, she may say it's sweet, but deep down- she can't wait to tell her friends about how nice you were to her- only to help her validate her own self worth through you and her friends.
- Consider some female friends that you enjoy spending time with but wouldn't date. No reason in particular, you just haven't thought about it. The same applies to girls. We usually don't meet people with the initial intention of dating them, it's usually to be friends at first. Sometimes, due to the natural progression of the relationship - a mismatch of intentions occurs but to no fault of either party. Melissa and I started off as friends, we spent plenty of time together because we enjoyed each others company. I eventually developed feelings but she didn't and it's because she genuinely saw me as a friend.
How to get out of the Friendzone?
- Getting out of the Friendzone when this was the reason you were in it is easy. One of two things must be done:
- If this girl is really special to you, and you feel it is worth changing something about yourself (not easy!) to accommodate for someone else- then change that quality about yourself.
However, be aware that this is a lack of independence. Which is sometimes another unattractive feature to a girl, one that you cannot fix in the short term. - Accept that this girl is looking for a mate with a quality that you do not want to change about yourself. In other words, accept the fact that you value this quality about yourself more than being with her.
- Fortunately in situations like this, the only (and best) thing you can do is to show her less attention. The saying "you don't know what you got until it's gone" can apply here. Note that if the girl is not receptive towards the lack of attention, then she either doesn't care about you, or is trying to play games. In either case, continuing with showing a lack of attention will eventually draw attention from her, or if she doesn't care about you- she will be out of your life. Good.
- Situations like this are tough. I personally don't think altering your behavior to try and get with her is a good idea. There is a foundation of trust built and she enjoys spending time with you. Any pickup attempts may be seen as out-of-the-ordinary or deceptive. In my experience, being honest with how you feel usually leads to a positive result. Mentioning that you're developing feelings should hopefully lead to an open conversation with how the relationship should progress. It may not be to your liking, but I think this is better than keeping the feelings to yourself or acting on them if she's not interested; as these options can potentially harm you or the friendship.
Common qualities that get you Friendzoned
As mentioned earlier, reason 1 states there are some qualities you possess that she doesn't like.Girls are very different, as are guys- but I've found there are some truths that hold for MOST individuals of each gender.
In my experience, there are 3 qualities that MOST girls find unattractive in a mate from most unattractive to least unattractive. Note I am capitalizing MOST for an important self-evident reason.
- Lack of courage/confidence
By far the biggest lesson I've learned in my experience with girls is to have courage and confidence.
I find that the biggest attractive feature any guy can have is to be a confident man who knows what he wants and how to go for it. - Effort in appearance
Appearance matters! Don't try and tell yourself "only shallow girls care about appearance". This is not true, just because guys value appearance more than girls, doesn't mean it's not a huge factor for girls.
But notice the point says EFFORT in appearance, not just appearance itself. Appearance is not limited to facial features. You can do many things to improve your appearance. Workout, shave regularly, be clean and hygienic, dress to impress. - Lack of consideration/understanding
On the flip side of courage/confidence comes consideration/understanding. Girls love feeling special, valued and unique. If you are not considerate or understanding, a mature girl will very often sense that and not date you for this exact reason.
I WANT TO MAKE IT VERY CLEAR THAT MOST IMMATURE WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO GUYS WITH LOW CONSIDERATION.
So don't be fooled into thinking low consideration is a good thing, it is not. The relationship (if it happens) will likely deteriorate due to the individuals not being compatible, as time was not spent prior to the relationship understanding each other. This is the worst of all cases, as you waste countless hours in a frustrating relationship, when it is suppose to be the most beautiful experience humans can have.
